WONKAFONKA

Omigod, omigod. I had The. Best. Idea.

I was driving home from the movies, flipping around on the radio, and one of the stations was doing a phone-in dealio called something like Exile Your Ex. People could share horror stories of exes so foul that they feel the world needs to be warned about them. I laughed. Really hard. Because everyone has someone like that. And then…..LIGHT BULB.

We need a website where we can record the transgressions of the very worst exes.

And then people can do research when they’re considering dating someone to find out if they’ve ever done something truly heinous. Like carfax.com…

“Buying a Used Car? Just Say – Show Me the CARFAX! Don’t run the risk of buying a used car with costly hidden problems. Get a detailed vehicle history report from our nationwide database within seconds.”

 You’re with me now, right?

“Ready for a second date? Just Say – Show Me the Fuckwad Report! Don’t run the risk of dating a proven asshole with emotionally costly hidden problems. Get a detailed relationship report from our nationwide database within seconds.”

Now. This would have to be reserved for abominations so severe that they are indisputably unforgivable. Furthermore, they must be factual in nature and specific, rather than subjective. For example, it can’t be something like, “He forgot the date of our first date.” or “She is the most selfish person in the entire world.” (No, I’m not.) Obviously we all have quirks and different things annoy each of us. But surely we can agree that “He fucked my best friend,” or “I got an invitation in the mail to his (next) wedding and he hadn’t even told me yet that we were getting divorced,” or “She stole all my furniture,” are the kinds of fuckwaddish, fact-based atrocities all future potential dates deserve to know.

It needs to be free to users, seeing as this is really a community service we’re providing, so we’ll need to find corporate sponsors like Cymbalta and Match.com to get it off the ground.

To keep things flowing, this will have to operate under the honor system. Of course, if you lie, Aphrodite will smite you, yo.

I don’t have all the specifics worked out yet….other than the smiting….

And for the record, the wedding invitation story is true – friend of a friend.