Words….Witticisms…Whimsy…Whatever!

Archive for April, 2012

Friday Night Bliss

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

That is the sound of me, sitting on the couch. Ruby Dogwonkafonka is at the other end of the couch. We just ate a delicious cupcake (ok, I ate it, she licked the plate). “Catch Me If You Can” is starting on TBS. I have had my jammies on since 6 pm. Snuggled up with the laptop. It is Friday night. And this is perfect.

There was a time when I would have been mortified by this scenario. Home, alone, on a Friday night??? What’s wrong with me??? Lately, though, Friday evenings have become a cherished opportunity for ME time. I can work a little later (which I like – tonight I was in my office till almost 7) and still have plenty of time to make dinner (ha ha), relax, watch a movie, read, blog, whatever I want, without the tick tock of the clock hanging over my head on a “school night” when I feel pressure to go to bed at a semi-reasonable time. (Run-on sentence much, Wonkafonka?) (Yeah, I just made “run-on sentence” into a verb. Cuz I’m talented like that. And I now think I have more parentheticals in this post than, um…..non-parentheticals?)

I originally had plans tonight with Sunshine and Mourtney, but one of them is under the weather so we rescheduled. And even though I was disappointed, not having seen their lovely faces in far too long other than at the gym, part of me was secretly delighted. It has been seven weeks since I spent Friday night on the couch by myself, and I was starting to get twitchy. Everything I’ve been doing has been fun and wonderful and something I wanted to do, but I didn’t realize how much I’d come to depend on having Friday nights to recharge and just chill the eff out.

My favorite Friday-night guilty pleasure is “Say Yes to the Dress”. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a TLC show about women shopping for their wedding dress. The original is at an expensive boutique in NYC, the spin-off at an expensive boutique in Atlanta. And tonight’s spin-off of the spin-off, shopping for bridesmaid dresses at the Atlanta store.  It’s ridiculous how much I love this show. I think I like it because it makes me feel sane; the kinds of crazy this show exposes are plentiful. Here’s a sampling from tonight. A bride was having her seven-year-old sister as her maid of honor, and another sister, age 25, as a bridesmaid. The 25-year-old was being a total wench because she wanted to wear a strapless dress, even though, hi, a 7-year-old doesn’t have anything to hold up a freakin’ strapless dress. Another bride had eight million bridesmaids who had all agreed they wanted a dress <$200. The bride identified the dress she loved, and the maids pitched a fit because it was SIX DOLLARS over budget.  Six. Dollars. Maybe two coffees at Starbucks. And for that, you’re going to be pissy to someone you’re close enough to that you agreed to stand up in her wedding, and you’re going to throw this tantrum in front of a TV camera no less? Yeah, you make me feel pretty balanced. 🙂  I never want to admit that I watch it (until now, apparently) but inevitably something so cuckoo happens that I can’t keep it to myself and I have to text Mourtney to rant about it. Which makes her question why I don’t change the channel. But it’s Train Wreck Syndrome – can’t look away!

Fortunately, about as many episodes as they air in one sitting is about as much brainless time that I need before I can move onto something more engaged, like blogging. Or sleeping.   Which I will be doing shortly.

 

Goddamn, I love Blue Man Group.

I just got home from seeing Blue Man Group (again). I love that I was able to see them right here in my hometown (rather than Vegas, where I saw them the first time), at the lovely historic Embassy (rather than the Coliseum, where I saw them the second time). (That’s it, by the way – three times.)

Blue Man Group take my breath away with their charm and whimsy, and how much they can convey without uttering a single word. With a turn of the head or a subtle gesture, we the audience know exactly what the joke is. And holy crap, the drumming. Lots of things make me wish I knew how to play the drums, but this makes me want to whale on a giant drum like nobody’s business.

If you’ve never seen them and have no idea what I’m talking about….well, you’re missing out. They’re kind of impossible to describe – even their own website is mostly pictures and video, without trying to articulate quite what they are/do. I first remember the Blue Men coming onto my radar with those commercials they did for Intel back in what must have been the late 90s and early 00s. Then my dad and I had to go to Vegas for business, and I wanted to see a show. “I don’t like plays,” he said. Fine. I would find something non-play-like and make him admit he liked it. Enter Blue Man Group. And he loved it. So much so that he has also seen them three times now. You’re welcome, Dad.

Music. But mostly percussion. Rhythmic movement, but not really dance. Humor, but not really comedy. Audience interaction. Lights, sound, drumming on all sorts of things. Gigantic floaty ball thingies. Exploding streamers. See. Impossible to describe. Magical. That’s what I should’ve said from the beginning and just stopped trying. A big, enchanted dance party.

That magical feeling is part of what I love so much about the live theater experience.  There’s nothing like it. And perhaps seeing Blue Man Group for a third time is excessive (although I would happily see them again), but I want to support freakin’ awesome shows like this being brought to Fort Wayne. I want them (them? the powers that be? promoters? who knows…) to see that there is an audience here. I will spend my dollars on quality productions that come to my doorstep. Please feed my theater hunger.  I’m not used to going to bed high on theater right here at home; I like it!

(Then I crashed. Pretend I posted this late last night, mkay?)

(Ooh, and thanks, Sunshines, for inviting me to come along!)

Just no.

Am I the only person who finds this commercial disturbing???

 

The smell of freshly cut grass sucks you out of a happy, peaceful sleep and into yard work??

What. The. Fuck.

I know a lot of people who like to plant pretty flowers and make their yards look nice and have a pretty lawn and grow vegetables. Sometimes I am even one of those people. But I know NO ONE who prefers working in the yard to happy SLEEP.  You can tell it’s happy because he’s SMILING. In bed.  And then he gets sucked out the window and this is supposed to be a good thing???? I’m not buying it.

And for the record, I didn’t even get that it was the smell of freshly cut grass that was sucking the people out the window. I thought it was some weird cousin to the smoke monster on Lost.

No thank you, Lowe’s, I’ll take my comfy bed.

My dad fucking cracks me up.

We work together, but out of our own homes, and in the morning we touch base via email to let the other know our schedule. Today, he sent mine back to me.

My dad fucking cracks me up.

Sorry, wrong number

I got a text the other day from a number neither I nor Roger (my phone) recognized. Not local. And I could tell instantly that it was a wrong number, because I refuse to get on Twitter. I’ve never had an account, not even for a minute. (More on that another day.) The area code is Vermont. I don’t know anybody in Vermont.

After a while I decided to egg him on for a bit because the whole thing was so absurd, and seemed like it might be good blog fodder. From time to time I got some inspired assistance from various friends. Here’s a transcript of our entire “conversation” to date. I truly can’t tell if he knows we’re both speaking nonsense half the time, or if he’s….I don’t know what. Serious? I didn’t edit anything, including his typos. 😉 If there are no times listed, it was continuous back and forth.

802-275-xxxx
3/30 5:47 pm
I haven’t seen you tweet lately!

Me
Who is this?

802-275-xxxx
Your only follower

Me
Nope, I’m not on twitter.

802-275-xxxx
My bad I thought you had something to say

802-275-xxxx
3/31 11:01 am
I you’re in or near Columbus today, you’ll probably run into some delusional bucknut fans. Pay no attention.

Me
3/31 11:54 am
Again, who is this??

802-275-xxxx
3/31 12:15 pm
The obvious answer would be “me”.

802-275-xxxx
3/31 1:04 pm
Or it could be some tool with a new Android trying to amuse or her self. Why don’t you leave Lamphier a message and ask if he lost his phone.

Me
4/1 7:04 pm
If he lost his phone, how will he get my message?

802-275-xxxx
4/2 12:40 am
Good point. Why don’t you call him on a land line and tell him to call me to get the message.

802-275-xxxx
4/3 8:30 am
Get out there today and make another 95 pointer. Obviously the breed has a shortage of these rare beast.

(At this point I started soliciting input from friends, one of whom suggested I talk back in “lunatic” and provided the following response)

Me
4/3 10:17 am
Better remain inside to guard the aluminum. The chicken seeks to uncover the cordless drill.

 

(Have I mentioned that my friends are hilarious?)

 
802-275-xxxx
4/3 1:27 pm
Alu.inum futures @contracts down 15.03% during last 12 months but KFC still selling extra crispy @ $4.95.

(Input from another friend was to switch from “lunatic” to “Swedish Chef”.)

Me
4/3 3:08 pm
Bork, bork, bork. First we take the chickey and hoopty schnoopty, plukey de feathers then we bork, bork in de pot.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/3 4:04 pm
Amish drivel.

 

(Guess they don’t speak Swedish Chef in Vermont.)

802-275-xxxx
4/3 5:22 pm
This morning before work, I was fidgeting with an hourglass. Recalling that a cardinal rule of physics is “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”, I began wondering what the equal reaction was to the sand flowing to the bottom. It’s been bugging me all day. Any thoughts?

Me
4/3 6:33 pm
Physics, schmysics.

802-275-xxxx
4/3 7:11pm
Three stooges wannabe

Me
Um, no. Not even a little bit.

802-275-xxxx
8:01pm
Why the quote then, Curley?

Me
Schm is my answer to everything.

802-275-xxxx
So if I’m begging you to find another point in her, that’s what you say?

Me
Wha ha?

802-275-xxxx
The Reds have got some big bats this year, eh?

Me
Bats schmats.

802-275-xxxx
4/4 7:14am
It’s coming up on the one month anniversary of performance in Honeybrook. Do you think our friends in the black hats are done erecting the memorial statue?

Me
4/4 12:38 pm
A patrol of honey badgers shall expose the infidels. Memorial acclamation follows the eastern star through its zenith.
Lucky numbers 30, 47, 29, 24, 28, 11

(The inspired fortune cookie was again compliments of a friend.)

802-275-xxxx
4/4 5:28 pm
Why not donate a kidney to dying kangaroo because $250 won’t cover many of his traveling expenses to the kilt tailor?

802-275-xxxx
4/5 5:33 pm
I’ve had a difficult day with other drivers on the road today…lots of not so nice thoughts. They seem to think I want to share the road with them. They are wrong. What are you driving nowadays?

Me
4/6 11:06 am
Something fun. What did I drive in days of yore?

802-275-xxxx
4/6 1:13 pm
Cattle

 
802-275-xxxx
4/6 7:06 pm
Yaks is where it’s at. Twice the protein and less than a fourth of the fat of beef. Get in now or be sorry later. Currently retails at $4 a pound.

Oh yeah….they’re the only bovine that grunts.

Me
4/6 7:12 pm
Yak. It’s what’s for dinner.

802-275-xxxx
4/6 7:44 pm
Mock me if you wish. We’ll see who laughing when McYak serves it one millionth burger.

Me
4/8 10:43 pm
So I was wondering if you might tell me who you are.

802-275-xxxx
4/9 7:09 am
I’m the guy (gender revealed) who spent all weekend thinking about yaks. The problem…the horns. So I’m thinking polled.

Maybe you’re still thinking Icelandid sheep. Go irish.

Me
4/9 8:04 am
Ok, we’ll just call you Yakbag. Don’t text me early in the morning. It makes me pissy.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/9 5:23 pm
Maybe we’ll just call you clueless. Yeah, that and scoring for Dick Dias.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/10 6:38am
Too early?


Fortunately this one didn’t wake me. If someone texts me not long after I’ve fallen asleep or not long before I’m due to get up, it wakes me. If it’s in the middle of the night, I almost always sleep through. Fortunately, 6:38 is the middle of the night for me.
😉

However, it seems that the time has come to disengage. Although if he sends me anything highly entertaining, chances are I’ll be compelled to share. For now…..so long, Vermont! It’s been….something!

W & Mourtney’s Online Dating Tips

For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention thus far, I am an Online Dating Survivor

A while back, Mourtney (another ODS) & I read an article somewhere about tips for online dating profiles. It was lame, so we came up with our own, with some general dos and don’ts thrown in as a bonus. All of this is based on our actual experiences.

  1. Don’t use a picture taken of yourself in the mirror with a cell phone. This says “I have no friends and have never had my photo taken on a trip, at a wedding, out with friends, at a sporting event…I AM A LOSER.
  2. Don’t include naked photos and/or photos of your tattoos. Tacky. Tacky, tacky, tacky. ‘Nuf said.
  3. Don’t wear a neckerchief in your picture.
  4. Shave. Your freakin’. Pornstache. I mean it.
  5. Don’t use photos that are out of focus, where you are too far away for us to tell anything other than that you are humanoid, or where you look like a serial killer. Have you considered using one where you’re actually smiling?
  6. While we’re on this subject, we don’t really need to see pics of your motorcycle, truck, boat, car, or other motor vehicles to decide if you’re datable. Your fascination with those objects, however, might deem you undatable.
  7. Use spell check. Girls are attracted to brains as well as brawn so…show us you have some. We make mistakes, too, but your profile is a fairly static document; sell yourself! Also, it’s hard to take your profile seriously when you describe yourself as an intellectual, yet misspell “intellectual”.
  8. In your profile and/or introductory email, please use complete sentences. Punctuation is your friend. Really? I need to explain this? Refer to #7.
  9. Always include a photo with your profile. Don’t give some BS about how you don’t want a girl who is vain. Show you have the balls to look at yourself in the mirror every morning by posting a pic otherwise we will assume the worst and hit delete before even reading what is surely an Oscar-winning email. And while we appreciate not judging a book by its cover, let’s be real – physical attraction is an important component of dating.
  10. Do not include comments about how you don’t want baggage or drama. DUH. No one does. Also, please don’t confuse life experience with baggage.
  11. Definitely do not include comments about how the girl must be “foxy” or worse – a weight range. How demoralizing and downright icky. If you feel these things, fine, but don’t commit to paper. Use your inside voice here – and by that I mean keep it inside your head.
  12. Try to show an interest in something other than hunting, fishing, camping, golf, “mudding” (the absolute worst!), etc. It is fine if these are your interests but don’t expect us to want to do these things with you. Remember you are looking for a girlfriend, not a buddy. I assume you would like your girlfriend to be even remotely feminine? Then chew dip on your four-wheeler with your dudes, not your girl.
  13. Walk the line when it comes to sensitivity. Number 12 cuts both ways. We are looking for a MAN, not someone to cry at sad movies with and bond over shopping and painting our nails.
  14. Don’t tell a woman you haven’t met yet that you have four cats.
  15. DO tell your date prior to dinner what your actual gender is. (I feel compelled to share that this isn’t my story; someone relayed it to me on a date. His prior date had “man hands”.)
  16. Don’t spell my name wrong. Ever. (Also, my name is not hun, sweetheart, or princess.)
  17. Don’t send a LinkedIn request to someone you had a one-night stand with several months ago.
  18. Do have some content on your profile. If you can’t be bothered to tell me anything about you, why should I bother to find out more?
  19. Do not say “tell you later” to fundamental profile questions such as whether or not you have kids or if you smoke.
  20. Don’t rant on your profile. We’ve all had bad experiences; no need to detail them here. Again, you’re selling yourself! Be positive! Fake it if you have to.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Women for a Better Online Dating experience. You can learn more about W-BOD at http://www.nodouchebags.com. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.