Why Being Single Sucks

  • You have to kill and/or remove _______ yourself. (Fill in the blank with whatever it is that really, really freaks you out: spiders, bats, mice.)
  • You have to plan your own birthday.
  • You have to take out the trash.
  • You have to shovel the sidewalk (but if you’re smart, like me, you buy a house without a driveway).
  • You don’t have a built-in travel partner.
  • Cooking for one is sort of not worth the effort.
  • There’s no one to rub your feet. Or anything else.
  • The holidays are brutal. Especially any holiday that shoves diamond commercials down your throat. Like Flag Day.
  • No one sends you flowers. (Of course, no one usually sends me flowers when I’m unsingle, either…hmm….)
  • You can’t put together a king-size headboard by yourself. And you for damn sure can’t flip the mattress by yourself. This will not prevent you from trying, because YOU ARE A STRONG, CAPABLE WOMAN! This will only lead to (hypothetically) getting trapped under the mattress and/or between the mattress and the wall. I said hypothetically!!
  • Sometimes couples act like what you have might be catching. As in, they can only socialize with other couples.
  • There’s no one to take care of you when you’re sick.
  • It makes you do stupid boys. Things! It makes you do stupid things!
  • There’s no one to help you put on a bracelet.
  • Your dating endeavors are a source of endless amusement for your friends, even when it’s sort of painful to talk about.
  • Every time you slip in the shower, you’re pretty sure that’s how you’re going to die.
  • The world wants you to be coupled. Not just the world of advertising, or Hollywood, your real world, too. No “catching up” convo with a friend is complete without the inevitable, “Are you seeing anyone?”
  • When your feet are cold, there’s no one to stick them against in the middle of the night.
  • You have to do ridiculous contortions to zip up a dress by yourself. Who the eff designs this shit???
  • You worry about who will take care of you when you’re old…like 50.
  • You have to make all the big/important/scary decisions all by yourself.
  • It’s not something you can “fix”. Even if you want to be in a relationship or dating or whatever (and maybe you don’t and that is an excellent option), you can’t make it happen. You just have to wait until it does. And maybe it never will. Which can be scary.



Comments on: "Why Being Single Sucks" (5)

  1. Um…. I’m right here. =] *unless its the bat spider thing.

    We only have a queen size bed but you’ll fit just fine. But you should know we sometimes fart in our sleep. I said Ben, Ben farts in his sleep.

  2. Kristin H said:

    If you die on the floor in the shower, I will totally lie in your obituary for you.

  3. You guys are the best! 🙂

  4. EVERY TIME you slip in the shower?

    I didn’t know this actually happened…and multiple times!

  5. […] Y’all like controversy. The most popular post so far was the one about my email interaction with the small-minded aunt of a former employee. But I’m pleased to see a happier post, the one with the oatmeal cake recipe, is a close second. And it’s good to see that why being single is awesome has almost twice as many views as why being single sucks. […]

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