WONKAFONKA

For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention thus far, I am an Online Dating Survivor…

A while back, Mourtney (another ODS) & I read an article somewhere about tips for online dating profiles. It was lame, so we came up with our own, with some general dos and don’ts thrown in as a bonus. All of this is based on our actual experiences.

1. Don’t use a picture taken of yourself in the mirror with a cell phone. This says “I have no friends and have never had my photo taken on a trip, at a wedding, out with friends, at a sporting event…I AM A LOSER.”
2. Don’t include naked photos and/or photos of your tattoos. Tacky. Tacky, tacky, tacky. ‘Nuf said.
3. Don’t wear a neckerchief in your picture.
4. Shave. Your freakin’. Pornstache. I mean it.
5. Don’t use photos that are out of focus, where you are too far away for us to tell anything other than that you are humanoid, or where you look like a serial killer. Have you considered using one where you’re actually smiling?
6. While we’re on this subject, we don’t really need to see pics of your motorcycle, truck, boat, car, or other motor vehicles to decide if you’re datable. Your fascination with those objects, however, might deem you undatable.
7. Use spell check. Girls are attracted to brains as well as brawn so…show us you have some. We make mistakes, too, but your profile is a fairly static document; sell yourself! Also, it’s hard to take your profile seriously when you describe yourself as an intellectual, yet misspell “intellectual”.
8. In your profile and/or introductory email, please use complete sentences. Punctuation is your friend. Really? I need to explain this? Refer to #7.
9. Always include a photo with your profile. Don’t give some BS about how you don’t want a girl who is vain. Show you have the balls to look at yourself in the mirror every morning by posting a pic otherwise we will assume the worst and hit delete before even reading what is surely an Oscar-winning email. And while we appreciate not judging a book by its cover, let’s be real – physical attraction is an important component of dating.
10. Do not include comments about how you don’t want baggage or drama. DUH. No one does. Also, please don’t confuse life experience with baggage.
11. Definitely do not include comments about how the girl must be “foxy” or worse – a weight range. How demoralizing and downright icky. If you feel these things, fine, but don’t commit to paper. Use your inside voice here – and by that I mean keep it inside your head.
12. Try to show an interest in something other than hunting, fishing, camping, golf, “mudding” (the absolute worst!), etc. It is fine if these are your interests but don’t expect us to want to do these things with you. Remember you are looking for a girlfriend, not a buddy. I assume you would like your girlfriend to be even remotely feminine? Then chew dip on your four-wheeler with your dudes, not your girl.
13. Walk the line when it comes to sensitivity. Number 12 cuts both ways. We are looking for a MAN, not someone to cry at sad movies with and bond over shopping and painting our nails.
14. Don’t tell a woman you haven’t met yet that you have four cats.
15. DO tell your date prior to dinner what your actual gender is. (I feel compelled to share that this isn’t my story; someone relayed it to me on a date. His prior date had “man hands”.)
16. Don’t spell my name wrong. Ever. (Also, my name is not hun, sweetheart, or princess.)
17. Don’t send a LinkedIn request to someone you had a one-night stand with several months ago.
18. Do have some content on your profile. If you can’t be bothered to tell me anything about you, why should I bother to find out more?
19. Do not say “tell you later” to fundamental profile questions such as whether or not you have kids or if you smoke.
20. Don’t rant on your profile. We’ve all had bad experiences; no need to detail them here. Again, you’re selling yourself! Be positive! Fake it if you have to.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Women for a Better Online Dating experience. You can learn more about W-BOD at http://www.nodouchebags.com. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.