WONKAFONKA

I got a text the other day from a number neither I nor Roger (my phone) recognized. Not local. And I could tell instantly that it was a wrong number, because I refuse to get on Twitter. I’ve never had an account, not even for a minute. (More on that another day.) The area code is Vermont. I don’t know anybody in Vermont.

After a while I decided to egg him on for a bit because the whole thing was so absurd, and seemed like it might be good blog fodder. From time to time I got some inspired assistance from various friends. Here’s a transcript of our entire “conversation” to date. I truly can’t tell if he knows we’re both speaking nonsense half the time, or if he’s….I don’t know what. Serious? I didn’t edit anything, including his typos. 😉 If there are no times listed, it was continuous back and forth.

802-275-xxxx
3/30 5:47 pm
I haven’t seen you tweet lately!

Me
Who is this?

802-275-xxxx
Your only follower

Me
Nope, I’m not on twitter.

802-275-xxxx
My bad I thought you had something to say

802-275-xxxx
3/31 11:01 am
I you’re in or near Columbus today, you’ll probably run into some delusional bucknut fans. Pay no attention.

Me
3/31 11:54 am
Again, who is this??

802-275-xxxx
3/31 12:15 pm
The obvious answer would be “me”.

802-275-xxxx
3/31 1:04 pm
Or it could be some tool with a new Android trying to amuse or her self. Why don’t you leave Lamphier a message and ask if he lost his phone.

Me
4/1 7:04 pm
If he lost his phone, how will he get my message?

802-275-xxxx
4/2 12:40 am
Good point. Why don’t you call him on a land line and tell him to call me to get the message.

802-275-xxxx
4/3 8:30 am
Get out there today and make another 95 pointer. Obviously the breed has a shortage of these rare beast.

(At this point I started soliciting input from friends, one of whom suggested I talk back in “lunatic” and provided the following response)

Me
4/3 10:17 am
Better remain inside to guard the aluminum. The chicken seeks to uncover the cordless drill.

 

(Have I mentioned that my friends are hilarious?)

 
802-275-xxxx
4/3 1:27 pm
Alu.inum futures @contracts down 15.03% during last 12 months but KFC still selling extra crispy @ $4.95.

(Input from another friend was to switch from “lunatic” to “Swedish Chef”.)

Me
4/3 3:08 pm
Bork, bork, bork. First we take the chickey and hoopty schnoopty, plukey de feathers then we bork, bork in de pot.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/3 4:04 pm
Amish drivel.

 

(Guess they don’t speak Swedish Chef in Vermont.)

802-275-xxxx
4/3 5:22 pm
This morning before work, I was fidgeting with an hourglass. Recalling that a cardinal rule of physics is “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”, I began wondering what the equal reaction was to the sand flowing to the bottom. It’s been bugging me all day. Any thoughts?

Me
4/3 6:33 pm
Physics, schmysics.

802-275-xxxx
4/3 7:11pm
Three stooges wannabe

Me
Um, no. Not even a little bit.

802-275-xxxx
8:01pm
Why the quote then, Curley?

Me
Schm is my answer to everything.

802-275-xxxx
So if I’m begging you to find another point in her, that’s what you say?

Me
Wha ha?

802-275-xxxx
The Reds have got some big bats this year, eh?

Me
Bats schmats.

802-275-xxxx
4/4 7:14am
It’s coming up on the one month anniversary of performance in Honeybrook. Do you think our friends in the black hats are done erecting the memorial statue?

Me
4/4 12:38 pm
A patrol of honey badgers shall expose the infidels. Memorial acclamation follows the eastern star through its zenith.
Lucky numbers 30, 47, 29, 24, 28, 11

(The inspired fortune cookie was again compliments of a friend.)

802-275-xxxx
4/4 5:28 pm
Why not donate a kidney to dying kangaroo because $250 won’t cover many of his traveling expenses to the kilt tailor?

802-275-xxxx
4/5 5:33 pm
I’ve had a difficult day with other drivers on the road today…lots of not so nice thoughts. They seem to think I want to share the road with them. They are wrong. What are you driving nowadays?

Me
4/6 11:06 am
Something fun. What did I drive in days of yore?

802-275-xxxx
4/6 1:13 pm
Cattle

 
802-275-xxxx
4/6 7:06 pm
Yaks is where it’s at. Twice the protein and less than a fourth of the fat of beef. Get in now or be sorry later. Currently retails at $4 a pound.

Oh yeah….they’re the only bovine that grunts.

Me
4/6 7:12 pm
Yak. It’s what’s for dinner.

802-275-xxxx
4/6 7:44 pm
Mock me if you wish. We’ll see who laughing when McYak serves it one millionth burger.

Me
4/8 10:43 pm
So I was wondering if you might tell me who you are.

802-275-xxxx
4/9 7:09 am
I’m the guy (gender revealed) who spent all weekend thinking about yaks. The problem…the horns. So I’m thinking polled.

Maybe you’re still thinking Icelandid sheep. Go irish.

Me
4/9 8:04 am
Ok, we’ll just call you Yakbag. Don’t text me early in the morning. It makes me pissy.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/9 5:23 pm
Maybe we’ll just call you clueless. Yeah, that and scoring for Dick Dias.

 

802-275-xxxx
4/10 6:38am
Too early?

Fortunately this one didn’t wake me. If someone texts me not long after I’ve fallen asleep or not long before I’m due to get up, it wakes me. If it’s in the middle of the night, I almost always sleep through. Fortunately, 6:38 is the middle of the night for me. 😉

However, it seems that the time has come to disengage. Although if he sends me anything highly entertaining, chances are I’ll be compelled to share. For now…..so long, Vermont! It’s been….something!