Posts tagged ‘Friendship’

Save for future reference

That was the subject line of an email I got last week from a friend. The message is below. My friend struggles with bipolar disorder. It’s so hard to watch, because sometimes she is in such despair, and there is nothing I can do to help make it better, make her safer, make it go away. And it’s so unfair that anybody has to suffer like she does, and suffer alone. There is still such a stigma with mental illness, as if you should just be able to shake it off or get over it already. And we don’t talk about it enough. I’m forever encouraging my friend to share her stories more, to educate the people around her, both for the good of the world, and to broaden her support base. Of course, it’s very easy for me to say; I’m not the one having to expose myself.

She sent this message asking me to save it for sometime in the future when she needs to see it again. When things are dark, and hopefully this will help, at least a little. I have encouraged her to start her own blog, anonymously if that’s more comfortable, because she has good stuff to say. In the meantime, I offered mine, so she could feel protected but still share.  Because I think it’s important.

If you think you recognize my friend, maybe you do. Maybe someone around you has similar struggles. But, and perhaps this goes without saying, please don’t say anything to her, based on this post. Cuz, you know, that’s just awkward.

So here’s her message, which I’m saving for later.


Almost everything feels good. Or well. Emotionally well, physically well, and maybe even spiritually well, although I don’t favor that word because I think it means something different to everybody.

But the point is, suicide is the furthest thing from my mind right now. And how does that happen?! Can you imagine if I could figure that one out? Why one day (or for several weeks at a time, more accurately) I can think about nothing aside from slicing through my wrists with any available sharp object, and another day, I have future plans and lists of things I want to accomplish in this life? It is the most fucked up thing I’ve ever dealt with or come across in my life that I’ve personally experienced; a hell that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Sometimes, though, when it’s dark in my head, I wish that hell on EVERYONE because I allow myself to wallow in my pity and want it to not be me. I want people to understand, and sometimes it feels like that could only happen if they had my experience.

It is not that way, today, though. Shorts, tank top, sun, 80 degrees, breeze. But it’s not just the weather. No. There is nothing that can touch my mood today. I don’t even consider whether or not I want to live; I just AM living. And it’s great. I accidentally slipped this morning and allowed myself to think, ‘I am happy.’ It’s like if I allow that, then the darkness that is the suicidal desire will remember that it has forgotten about me, and come looking.

I want to tell that profoundly depressed and suicidal me that there ARE times like these, and thus far, these times have ALWAYS cycled back around. When I’m in that bad place, it never seems like it will ever end, and yet it always does. I can never make myself believe that it will end. I want to die more than anything in the world, and that would be such a waste. My kids need me. My friends and family need and love me, and my death would be such a tragic loss.

I don’t even have advice to those who are unlucky enough to have to support me in this. Personally, I wouldn’t know what to say to me when I’m way out there. I just know that I have to figure out a way to not kill myself when the need arises. This life has too much potential.


Why Being Single is Awesome

(AKA, why someone who I used to be married to may have been correct when he called me The Most Selfish Person In The World.)

  • If you don’t feel like taking out the trash, or “forget”, not only is it ok, but no one will ever know. Except the garbage man, who maybe just thinks you’re really green because let’s get real, you only put the trash out about once a month. But mostly, he probably doesn’t give a shit. Or notice.
  • You can leave fuzzy socks all over the house in ridiculous, random places. So that when your feet get cold, they’re right there, waiting for you. And then you can take them off and leave them wherever you want. Same thing with shoes – the taking off and the leaving.
  • You get to decide what the thermostat is set at. (So not caring that there’s a preposition at the end of that sentence.)
  • You can sleep with the TV on.
  • You can eat weird meals, like cereal for dinner or cupcakes for breakfast or nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for a week.
  • You can plan ALL of your vacations around only what YOU want. For example, if you love to ski, you can go skiing without wondering if anyone else wants to spend all that money on a ski trip.
  • You can stay up stupidly late at night without feeling unspoken (and probably imaginary) judgment.
  • You get to decide if the dog is allowed to sleep on the bed. (Duh, of course she is.)
  • You learn that you can deal with spiders & bats. (Shudder. Maybe the bat story should move over to the blog one of these days….)
  • You develop many rich and special friendships with strong, funny women who make you say things like, “Why can’t we be lesbians?” or “I’ll rock/paper/scissors you to see which one of us will have a sex change.”
  • You can have a fake boyfriend (no, NOT THAT) who helps with house projects and goes places with you but you can cancel without feeling guilty. And if he doesn’t call when he says he will, you don’t get neurotic about it.
  • You get to sleep in the middle of the bed. Or sideways across it. And you get all the pillows and all the covers. Unless you have a dog, in which case somehow she gets a lot of all of those.
  • You can hang eleventeen paint chips in the bathroom for six months without anyone giving you grief about painting it already. And when you do paint it (say, in another month or two), you can paint it eleventeen colors, should you so choose.
  • You get ALL THE CLOSET SPACE!!!!
  • You can buy tools with flowered handles.
  • You can hit snooze as many times as you like without annoying anyone.
  • No in-laws.
  • You never have to listen to music you don’t like (ahem, Madonna). Well, at home anyway. Or on road trips. Unless you go on road trips with friends who have bad taste in music.
  • You can spend your money however you please.
  • You get to control the remote.
  • You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Whatever. Whenever.

It’s totally awesome. J