WONKAFONKA

(AKA, why someone who I used to be married to may have been correct when he called me The Most Selfish Person In The World.)

• If you don’t feel like taking out the trash, or “forget”, not only is it ok, but no one will ever know. Except the garbage man, who maybe just thinks you’re really green because let’s get real, you only put the trash out about once a month. But mostly, he probably doesn’t give a shit. Or notice.
• You can leave fuzzy socks all over the house in ridiculous, random places. So that when your feet get cold, they’re right there, waiting for you. And then you can take them off and leave them wherever you want. Same thing with shoes – the taking off and the leaving.
• You get to decide what the thermostat is set at. (So not caring that there’s a preposition at the end of that sentence.)
• You can sleep with the TV on.
• You can eat weird meals, like cereal for dinner or cupcakes for breakfast or nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for a week.
• You can plan ALL of your vacations around only what YOU want. For example, if you love to ski, you can go skiing without wondering if anyone else wants to spend all that money on a ski trip.
• You can stay up stupidly late at night without feeling unspoken (and probably imaginary) judgment.
• You get to decide if the dog is allowed to sleep on the bed. (Duh, of course she is.)
• You learn that you can deal with spiders & bats. (Shudder. Maybe the bat story should move over to the blog one of these days….)
• You develop many rich and special friendships with strong, funny women who make you say things like, “Why can’t we be lesbians?” or “I’ll rock/paper/scissors you to see which one of us will have a sex change.”
• You can have a fake boyfriend (no, NOT THAT) who helps with house projects and goes places with you but you can cancel without feeling guilty. And if he doesn’t call when he says he will, you don’t get neurotic about it.
• You get to sleep in the middle of the bed. Or sideways across it. And you get all the pillows and all the covers. Unless you have a dog, in which case somehow she gets a lot of all of those.
• You can hang eleventeen paint chips in the bathroom for six months without anyone giving you grief about painting it already. And when you do paint it (say, in another month or two), you can paint it eleventeen colors, should you so choose.
• You get ALL THE CLOSET SPACE!!!!
• You can buy tools with flowered handles.
• You can hit snooze as many times as you like without annoying anyone.
• No in-laws.
• You never have to listen to music you don’t like (ahem, Madonna). Well, at home anyway. Or on road trips. Unless you go on road trips with friends who have bad taste in music.
• You can spend your money however you please.
• You get to control the remote.
• You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Whatever. Whenever.

It’s totally awesome. J